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Wendigoth's's Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar: (or the 100 % Legit Trophy, whatever, you know)
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so heavy! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally saddened your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and obsess about how freakish my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap.
You know, there are so many back-stabbing leeches to thank! First off though, I want to pay off the esteemed idiots of the Academy, who looked deep within their wallets before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Kali, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the People Under the Stairs, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
Rating:  [5 of 5 Flaming Jalapenos!] |
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